MILITARY HUMOR

Marine Corps Rules: 

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. 
3. Have a plan. 
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work. 
5. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you
meet. 
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.' 
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive. 
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal preferred.) 
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. 
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours. 
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived. 
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to
shoot.. 

Navy SEAL Rules: 

1. Look very cool in sunglasses. 
2. Kill every living thing in sight. 
3. Adjust Speedo. 
4. Check hair in mirror. 

US Army Rangers' Rules: 

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving. 
2. Locate individuals requiring killing. 
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing. 
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted. 
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving. 

US Army Rules: 

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order. 
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee. 
3. Curse bitterly. 
4. Curse bitterly. 
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed. 
6. Curse bitterly. 

US Air Force Rules: 

1. Have a cocktail. 
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner. 
3. See what's on HBO. 
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?' 
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point
presentation. 
6. Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry
executives. 
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets. 
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally. 
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but close
enough to have tax exemption. 
11 Always have ICE CREAM

( And I Love This Next One) 

US Navy Rules: 

1. Go to Sea. 
2. Drink Coffee

3, Insert SEALS

4, Deploy Marines, 

5, Launch Aircraft and Missiles 350 miles away from fighting

5, Drink more Coffee
Go Navy! 

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.) 

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) 

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East . 
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.) 

To: All Commands 
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts 

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K 

All commanders promulgate upon receipt:

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn, on or off base, by any
military, or civilian personnel, serving in the Middle East: 

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' 
[Both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters' 
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting
Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' 
[Both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' 

[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope
cross-hairs.]

5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' 


6. 'Pork. The other white meat.' 

7. 'Infidel' 

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this
message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'

2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.